Epigraph: Being the Bad Guy

by John Whitworth

A posh English accent is Hollywood shorthand for villainy — even the Nazis have them.

I’ve been the Bad Guy a long time:
Sir Farquar Fitz-Arthur Fitz-Arse.
For hundreds of years I’ve been calling the shots
And I soon had my copybook covered in blots
As I duffed up the Irish, the Welsh and the Scots,
But you have to admit I’ve got class!
       He’s got Class,
Yes, we have to admit he’s got class!

I’ve been the Bad Guy a long time:
Captain Courtney Carruthers-Carlisle,
Perfidious master of legerdemain.
I did for the Beards and the Galleons of Spain
And I did for the Froggies again and again,
I was evil but how I had style!
       He had Style,
Oh so evil, but look at his style!

I’ve been the Bad Guy a long time:
Lord Valentine Vernon de Vere.
I’m a titled and treacherous, base and baronial,
Rabid reactionary, cheap ceremonial,
Vilely Imperial, Home and Colonial
King of the kick and the sneer!
       Yes the sneer,
Uncrowned king of the kick and the sneer!

I’ve been the Bad Guy a long time:
I’ve been Just-As-Bad-As-It-Gets.
I seduce with sang-froid, I corrupt with finesse.
I’m a serial sinner, a monster, a mess,
I’m Caligula, Satan, the Waffen-SS,
And I even (gulp!) smoke cigarettes!
Yes, he even (aaargh!) smokes cigarettes!

I’ve been the Bad Guy such a long time
I don’t think I know how to stop.
Ah the lure of the laudanum, the lick of the lash,
As I ravish young girls and abscond with their cash.
It’s a quip and a curl of my villain’s moustache
Keeps the Englishman always on top!
       He’s on top,
For the English are always on top!

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